𝖁𝖊𝖓𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖆𝖓𝕵𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖑

It’s 1:28 AM on a Thursday morning, and I’m up watching Girlfriends—as I always do before bed. Season one came in swinging, with Toni making it clear she was interested in a man she knew Joan had already dated ( with her trifling ass).

But now I’m on episode five, and the conversations are getting even sweeter. Although the episode is named “I pity the fool”, I think it should actually be named “Hips don’t lie, liars do”.

But what I really want to emphasize here is the guilt many feel when having sex just to “get it over with.” Think about it—there are plenty of choices in life, like ordering DoorDash instead of picking up your meal or opting for a full shower instead of a quick rinse, that don’t demand a lot of thought. But when it comes to sex? We seem to forget that it’s one of the most sacred things you can do (aside from giving birth 🤰).

It’s crucial to be honest about what your body truly wants and needs, especially when you’re actively seeking sexual partners. Unless you’re with someone who genuinely deserves to be on that list, but don’t let guilt trick you into doing anything you don’t truly will regret later on.

We all know our egos are fragile. So if choosing to be intentional about your body and your intimate experiences doesn’t make the man you’re with respect you, that’s on them—not you. Your choices are yours alone. Carry on.

Joan is currently dating one of the most kindest, most intentional man she’s ever had on her roster. But she can’t shake the fact that he’s a man with curves. This is such a nuanced topic that many women are afraid to admit: it’s often not just about size—it’s about whether their partner aligns with the PERFECT picture in their heads.

But let’s be real. As Beyoncé once said, who wants that perfect love story anyway? At some point, women have to mature enough to realize that anyone’s appearance can change at any time. Tragedy, sickness, depression—life happens. Stress eating happens. The idea that a man needs to fit a perfect image is limiting the opportunities to be truly loved.

I find myself asking: Are women more driven by a desire for deep, authentic connection, or does the allure of a man who doubles as a status symbol play a role?

Joan had a candid conversation with her best friend, William, and he called her out by telling her how much she contradicts herself. I love how William always speaks from a male perspective and allows the women to understand things from both sides. I will say that as a woman it’s very easy to solely focus on how we feel and not consider the other person involved. She finally had a man who adored her, but she picked apart everything about him because, deep down, she couldn’t overlook his body. And listen, I get it. We are visual creatures. But love is rare, and it should never be taken for granted just for the sake of an aesthetic. I always say, yes your man should be attractive but there’s only room for ONE bad b*tch in my love life (but that’s just me).

The “Nice Guy” Dilemma

Joan’s situation is so relatable. We’ve all met someone who’s super nice to us but they’re usually not edgy enough to make it to the group chat, close friends, or shit .. even 3rd base goes out the window.

“The nice guy is so nice, and even though I’m dating and figuring out if I like him but maybe I should just give him some pussy because he asked.”

This is where girlhood turns into womanhood—when you become more comfortable choosing what’s best for you, including choosing your peace and choosing to OWN your body. Just because someone is nice does not mean you owe them anything. Be honest about what brings you great pleasure, before you provide anyone with your charcuterie board (Kewchie).

It’s okay to figure yourself out, even if you have a thing for men who disappoint you or give you a hard time. That’s your journey, but don’t waste anyone’s time, holding up the line when another woman would treasure a man that adores her. The important part is recognizing the pattern and making intentional choices, but it’s up to you to figure out when it’s time to do so. I find that simply being HONEST with yourself and the person you’re dating, enhances your dating experiences tremendously.

The “Bitch” Complex & Fear of Honesty

Perception is one of the hardest things for people to accept because as humans we think we can control how other people see us. The only thing you can genuinely control is your time and energy, nothing more. You will be perceived no matter if you choose to do what’s best for you or the people around you. Women particularly struggle because we’re conditioned to people please and to go along with shit that makes us uncomfortable for the sake of “coming off nice”. Instead of being upfront, Joan avoided Marcus until her friends stepped in, meeting up with him to sabotage her. They even went so far as to insinuate that Joan wasn’t born a woman—a joke that (unfortunately) was fitting for the early 2000s humor. Each of them tried to turn him off because Joan refused to be honest with him herself.

Joan, like many women, struggled with self-acceptance. She didn’t want to be perceived as a bitch—but in reality, her definition of bitch was just someone who’s honest and upfront. How many of us shrink ourselves or soften our words just to avoid making someone uncomfortable? And at what cost?

Ultimately, Marcus and Joan had a real conversation about the mind games she had been playing, and he broke up with her. And of course! The moment he was direct and a little rude with her, she found herself more attracted to him. Lo and behold, she ended up in bed with him again so I guess his hips and everything else hit the quota for Miss Joan! 🙂

Also shoutout to Mr. Marcus because his confidence was on 10!! As soon as Joan said she didn’t want to be with him he immediately said, “ Okay girl, Gimmie my phone back” and I DIED 😭😭😭😭. It’s important to know when to leave especially when someone doesn’t like YOU but they like what you can DO for them.

For many women, they equate good sex to the rudeness of a man. There’s a bit of truth to that myth because the more that you feel unsafe with someone the sex will almost always be an adrenaline rush rather that a enticing and sensual experience. A man’s aesthetic shouldn’t influence how you percieve him, his actions should ALWAYS be the highlight and the basis of the relationship, not the hips, nor the d*ck. The one thing I absolutely love Girlfriends is the fact that characters like Mya exsist, not because she’s not also equally trifling, but because she represents the friend that has evolved a bit from the superficial aspects of partnership. Her relationship with her husband in their early phases we’re a great balance of perspectives.

The truth is, being superficial is very humanlike, but very inhumane. We often ostrasize others for not being perfect but if they we’re to do the same thing to you and highlight your flaws, not taking into account that people are sensitive creatures. Realistically you can’t protect everyone’s feelings but if you want your to be considered, be kind but don’t pity people for the sake of looking like a good person.

The Real Takeaway

So what did I actually learn from this episode?

1. Attraction is complicated, but kindness doesn’t guarantee chemistry. You don’t have to force yourself to like someone just because they check all the right boxes.
2. Women need to stop feeling guilty about being honest. Saying no isn’t cruel. Leading someone on is.
3. Sex should never be an obligation. It’s not a to-do list item, a “thank you” gift, or a favor. Your body, your rules. Period.
4. Don’t psych yourself out of a good experience just because you’re a bozo Need I say more? Lol

At the end of the day, Joan, William, and Marcus probably would’ve made a great throuple in the real world, but Girlfriends gave us yet another messy, hilarious, and painfully real moment to reflect on.

Cheers to that!

If you haven’t binged Girlfriends as yet, it’s now available on Netflix. Join me as we go down the rabbit hole of one of the best black sitcoms in tv history!