𝖁𝖊𝖓𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖆𝖓𝕵𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖑

The new year came in and I was still very much so uneasy about the lingering relationships I was entertaining. I sometimes feel guilty cutting people off often but my inner child has her shield up and her timbs on whenever she feels unsafe. There’s been many situations that happened in her presence that were very much so traumatic and even drove her to feel suicidal but she continued to live,laugh, love for the plot.

Imagine starting the year having to block your mother for the 100th time the first day into the new year? I have nobody to blame but myself because why the fuck do you even want someone in your life that doesn’t respect you as a woman, or as their child? I’ve reached a point where I realized that I was begging someone to love me that doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to do so. Unfortunately for me this even trickled down into my friendships where I began welcoming people that has done me fucking dirty, and I patched it up because I crave nostalgia so much. The same nostalgia that brought me back to the first time I was sexually assaulted while my friend was downstairs and never came up to check on me, the same nostalgia that had me bawling my eyes out on the E train from Queens all the way back to the city to take the New Jersey transit home when I was 19 because I wanted love.

As an only child, there’s absolutely no rule book to this shit. You are legit put into the world in hopes of your parents guiding or at least loving and fighting for you and your existence but mine decided to “consider them dead” because they’re far more comfortable investing into themselves rather than their ONE daughter,fucking pathetic.

For many years, I’ve suppressed a lot of my emotions for the sake of keeping the peace because that’s how I was raised. But maturing is realizing, the same people who claim they raised you yet abandoned you for a man or material posessions, do not deserve the honor of saying they raised you. I’ve had to raise myself for many years, dodging heartbreaks, pregnancy, my friends possibly fucking my man; again, STDS, homelessness,sexual assault, and simply being broken spiritually. I’ve also carried the guilt of not being “a good person” despite all of the shitty cards people have handed me expecting me to smile and wave.

My inner child needs me more than ever and she’s no longer filling the awkward gaps in the BARE MINIMUM shit that is required to be a good MOTHER, FATHER, FRIEND, OR ANYONE in my life. I’m no longer going to hold you up when you’re down because I realize that you do not value growth nor are you willing to create a safe space for my me and my inner child to exist in.

I am NOT your punching bag.

I am NOT God, so I don’t NEED to forgive you after you fucked me over.

I don’t NEED you to pretend to be in my life.

I NEED honesty.

I NEED Love.

I NEED you to be inquisitive.

I NEED you to have humility.

I NEED you to love YOURSELF.

I NEED you to be a good person.

I NEED you to want to grow.

I NEED you to be supportive.

I NEED you to stop fucking playing with me.

As I continue this journey to healing, I have to always remember that my worth isn’t defined by others treatment of me. I am worthy of unconditional love,safety, and joy!

Since this blog post is considered a crash out, cheers to crashing out in a creative way because this is MY safe space. My therapist recommended for me to just put my hand on my heart and tell my inner child “ It’s okay girly, you’re safe” but externally however you decide to express yourself as long as it’s creative expression, go off !

Sincerely,

Your STRICT bestiee 💋