𝖁𝖊𝖓𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖆𝖓𝕵𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖑

Everyone loves the “real friend” who keeps it 100 on all the taboo topics but tends to villainize the friend who keeps it 100 when it pertains to you. It never seems to be a good time to have an intervention with your friend because, truthfully, female friendships are often based on stroking each other’s egos back and forth until you fall into friendship. Usually, our interactions begin with “You’re so pretty,” and then the rest is history. But for the girl you met in the bathroom who tells you that you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe, there’s an unspoken truth about the truth-teller being the bad vibe, and it actually sucks.

In Sex and the City, Season 2, Episode 13, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha had a very candid conversation with Carrie about a new boundary they were setting regarding her constantly talking about Big. Carrie was going through one of her many breakups with her longtime love interest Big, and her friends were absolutely tired of hearing about him. They let her know that she should go to therapy instead of venting to them because they felt like it wasn’t something they could provide any clarity or advice about. To be quite frank, I think they just didn’t care anymore.

Carrie didn’t end her friendships with her girls because of their honesty. But in our real-life friendships, such honesty might lead to an end. The unfortunate truth about telling the truth is that it can make or break friendships, especially if your friend doesn’t really value your opinion and just loves having an audience.

The fine line between caring about your friend and coddling them to avoid conflict is a dangerous game because it leaves little to no room for growth. As women we should celebrate duality in friendship! There needs to be room for authentic conversations, even if they hurt. Sometimes you need your friends to be honest with you—not just about romantic interests, but about anything, including feeling like you haven’t been a good friend lately.

Everyone thinks they’re the greatest friend ever, but in reality, the only way to truly be one is to check in and have those uncomfortable conversations. Improving your relationships requires thinking beyond yourself, asking questions, and genuinely listening to the answers. If you don’t ask, it can come off as if you don’t care. Your friends want to be cared for, considered, assisted, supported, and inspired.

I find that friendships have evolved into opportunities to vent about personal issues rather than creating mutual safe spaces for each other to coexist. Every relationship around you needs to be tended to in different ways. The most important thing to remember is that people can only feel comfortable being themselves if you’re open to change and open dialogue. By embracing genuine communication, we can foster deeper connections and more meaningful growth in our friendships.

Just like Carrie, it’s possible to have tough conversations and still maintain strong friendships. It requires a mutual understanding and respect for each other’s boundaries and feelings. By fostering honest and open dialogue, we can navigate these challenges and emerge with stronger, more resilient friendships.

Here’s how you can approach a friend about them not being a good friend to you lately:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

• Understand Your Emotions: Before the conversation, take time to understand exactly why you feel your friend has not been a good friend. Write down specific instances and how they made you feel.
• Consider Their Perspective: Try to consider why your friend might have acted the way they did. This can help you approach the conversation with empathy.

2. Choose the Right Time and Place

• Private and Comfortable Setting: Find a time and place where you can talk privately and without distractions.
• Avoid High-Stress Moments: Don’t start the conversation when either of you is already stressed, tired, or upset.

3. Use “I” Statements

• Focus on Your Feelings: Use “I” statements to express how you feel instead of “you” statements that can come across as accusatory. For example, say “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You never…”.

4. Be Specific

• Provide Examples: Give specific examples of when you felt they were not being a good friend. This helps them understand your perspective and the behaviors that are troubling you.

5. Stay Calm and Respectful

• Control Your Emotions: Try to stay calm and avoid raising your voice or becoming confrontational.
• Respect Their Feelings: Acknowledge that the conversation might be uncomfortable for them too.

6. Listen Actively

• Hear Their Side: Give them a chance to explain their side of the story. They might have been unaware of their actions or the impact they had on you.
• Validate Their Feelings: Show that you understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

7. Work Towards a Solution

• Collaborate on Improvement: Discuss ways to improve your friendship moving forward. Be open to making changes yourself as well.
• Set Boundaries and Expectations: Clearly communicate what you need from the friendship and listen to what they need as well.

8. Follow Up

• Check In: After the conversation, check in with each other to see how things are going. Continuous communication is key to maintaining a healthy friendship.

Sample Conversation Starter

“Hey [Friend’s Name], I’ve been feeling a bit off lately about our friendship and wanted to talk to you about it. There have been a few times when I felt unsupported, like [specific example]. I really value our friendship and wanted to share how I feel because I think it’s important for both of us. Can we talk about this?”

By approaching the conversation with honesty, empathy, and a willingness to listen, you can navigate the uncomfortable topic and work towards a stronger, more supportive friendship. Always remember that friendships shouldn’t only rely on the happy moments, it’s also reflection of the challenging times as moments as well. If you found this helpful, leave a comment and share this with someone you think needs help in this area of expertise.